The wind is nice. There’s something refreshing about a windy day. To me, there’s something revitalizing about the breeze blowing through my hair that makes me feel like a CoverGirl model or a beautiful woman in a Pantene commercial. Every single time I left that office I have felt revitalized and tiny all at the same time. I’ve had counseling sessions while I have been here (I’ve definitely needed them) and I have felt small every time I have left that building, not small in a way that makes me feel bad about myself but quite the opposite. It’s been raining, sometimes sunny, and usually windy. Sometimes, I feel happy leaving the office, sometimes sad, and sometimes downright confused. At times I am floating on air, other times I wanted to curl up into a ball and hide. There was once I think I actually skipped out of there, but the point is that upon contemplating things (my life) with my counselor everything slowly began to make sense. I’m sure this all sounds cliche. I am not incredibly insane, I am a sensitive individual, and I want to be a blessing… like my man John Mayer says, I’m not together but I’m in repair. Again, this is not uncommon. I’d like to assume that we’re all working on becoming good people and that we’re all going to be okay.(: Even so, it is true… Counseling helps. Being open, raw, and vulnerable are all healthy things. Crying helps, having someone be insanely blunt with you, and simply talking helps you see things different and get rid of a pessimistic mentality which can be excruciatingly painful, and dangerous. You also learn a lot in counseling. You learn about yourself, your world, see some things in a different more radiant light.
Coming into this semester as a depressed and anxious individual, set the stage for a panicked girl who would not have thrived in her community without professional help. My counselor helped me look at my “crap” and not throw it away, but sort out how much of it was actual filth and how much of it was goodness that I thought was trash. We all think bad about ourselves at one point in time or another, it’s inevitable. However, I learned that there is a vast difference between thinking bad about yourself for a bit and fully hating yourself. They’re both negative things but one is harder to get out of. Thankfully within my failures, feelings of unappreciation, self-loathing, and overall worries, I have slowly begun to find beauty in my existence. I’m afraid to admit that it’s a beautiful thing. I”m afraid to admit anything. Still, I’m becoming a firm believer (slowly) that *“God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” That being said, I guess I’m supposed to be fearless now. Eight sessions of counseling opened my eyes to think differently but have not recklessly transformed my existence. I was told that the homework starts with me.
Here are some Not so Random points:
- What if I chose to love myself for the peculiarly blissful person I know I am?
- I guess it would not be an impossible task to accomplish but…
- I am supposed to remind myself every day that I am a marvelously created child of The Living God and I have a purpose.
- This needs to be done, even when I don’t believe it…
- We are all beautiful assets to our communities, we’re all of part of something. We all matter.
- So let’s make sure to take care of ourselves so we can take care of others (for those of us who like that sort of thing)
- My time at Newbold has definitely been life changing,
- so I guess the question for myself is whether or not I’ll let my new knowledge of life mold the rest of my existence or if I’ll let myself forget that I’m okay.
- Depression is a wild thing. It comes and goes for me and millions of other people… I realized though, that I feel better and can get out of it if I personally (it may be different for everyone else) go out of my way to be a blessing for other people. If I make someone smile in a day or be of any help in any way, I am being purposeful and therefore feel better.
- If I don’t consistently “beat myself up” for doing something that did not give me the results I would have liked, then I actually have the potential of trying again and succeeding.
- If I go outside for walks, enjoy nature and just breathe… I’ll feel less suffocated (or not suffocated at all)
- My success, health, well-being, and relationship with my Creator as a created being, need to be a priority.
- Or else, I’ll fall out of sync with “being okay” and the goals I have for myself in life.
- If I chose to love myself, the life I live could be beyond enjoyable for me and others in my community.
- If/when I chose to love myself… to really truly care for myself, being the best I can be, I’ll be free from a chaotic merciless life.
- If I chose to love myself, I could be a blessing and help towards people, and that’s all I really want to be. (Why? Because we’re all in this together. We’re all stuck in this world of pain, hurt, and rubbish together.)
- If I choose to take care of myself, then I could bring my longing for “community” back to wherever I reside and thrive alongside those I love.
So. As the semester here winds down, my stress levels splatter around everywhere, and nervousness grows within me when I think of the rest of my life, I hope I can do well at reminding myself and others that we’re going to be alright. My friends here are amazing blessings. Although we’re sometimes accustomed to thinking of ourselves as standard and uncategorized people, we aren’t. It ain’t so. We all have the opportunity of flourishing because we have “purpose”.
The wind is beautiful from my window but because it’s open… it’s making my feet freeze. So, it’s time for me to write papers!
*2 Timothy 1:7 (New King James’s Version of hte Bible)