Home?

Home is a relative term. It’s been said that home is where the heart is, but my heart is everywhere. It’s with everyone and everything. It has been officially 2 weeks (14 days) since I  returned from England. Much has happened, yet at the same time, not much has happened as well. All I know is that I have been blessed beyond measure to have spent that semester away and have such an incredible and unforgettable time there.

In the days that followed my last exam, I was beginning to dread the imminent departure that awaited me, but I tried my hardest to not dwell on the negative, (me leaving). I was going to enjoy my experiences to the fullest, eat some more cafeteria food, and be wild and safe(; As Thursday and Friday approached I concluded in my mind that it would be smart to begin packing. My roommate would be leaving that Sunday and her energy motivated me to be productive! She and another friend left that Sunday too and it was a sad day for our little gang. I’m glad I had another friend accompanying me throughout the remainder of my days there and that helped cut the loneliness (a lot of others were leaving for home and it was then that I began to feel a little homesick). I was wanting to leave and be with those I loved in warm and sunny Florida, yet I didn’t want to leave this newfound home I made in England. There were so many mixed emotions and there was so little time!

So, as I made time to say goodbye to my new friends (I went to the movies with some, walks with others, and did entirely did nothing with a few), I mentally prepared myself to leave and promised myself to return. During the last few days, I went on my last Sabbath walk, my last visit to Crema, I visited a castle for the last time in a while, and I enjoyed being blissfully free for a little longer.

Free is also another relative term. I think it’s difficult (or it can be) for anyone to feel entirely free at a given moment. From the moment I got off of the 9-hour flight and set foot in Orlando that Sunday afternoon I felt the urge to accomplish things. I felt like I had an overwhelming amount of things to do and things to accomplish before I start school in August and this much was ultimately true, I didn’t take too much time to breathe and relax. I love my family and missed them plenty, yet I found myself grouchy that day and the days following that one. Due to the way my life has worked out, the word home has been a relative term because to me, rather than a physical place, I see it as a peaceful loving community. I find my home everywhere that is anywhere unique because of that same reason. I became dazed with responsibilities, verbal to-do lists, and reminders of important things I had kindly neglected due to the fact that I wasn’t home. Unfortunately, I wasn’t the best I could have been in regards to being the best. I was rude, I snapped and somehow pushed my loved ones away.

Therefore, while feeling free and being at home usually go hand in hand they didn’t for me. I was being selfish, salty, and just nasty. So, I apologize to all who were around me during those first few days. My bitterness slowly left me (mostly). Time passed, I have met up with friends, gone camping with family, and have been interviewed for a position. My life is good, I’m content. I’m with those I love in warm weather which I missed so much and one of these days, I’ll see the ocean again! Happiness overflows within me whenever I sit down and think, yet I still sit around longing for more sometimes. At times, I want to constantly be doing something, I want to be quick efficient, I want to be frickin rich! Still, I wonder why I cannot be fully satisfied or content. That’s another rhetorical question, and there are many possible and obvious answers.

I may simply be longing for heaven. I’m honestly not entirely sure if that’s what I’m anxiously craving or if I just want full peace… I remember then, that I cannot have genuine peace nor an authentic and thriving life apart from God. I know this well within me yet unconsciously decide to forget. I hope to not forget anymore, I hope to remind myself and others that like C.S. Lewis once said, “The fact that our hearts yearn for something earth can’t supply, is proof that heaven must be our home.”  

I may simply be longing for heaven. I’m honestly not entirely sure if that’s what I’m anxiously craving or if I just want full peace… I remember then, that I cannot have genuine peace nor an authentic and thriving life apart from God. I know this well within me yet unconsciously decide to forget. I hope to not forget anymore, I hope to remind myself and others that like C.S. Lewis once said, “The fact that our hearts yearn for something earth can’t supply, is proof that heaven must be our home.”  

Unfortunately, no matter how much I relentlessly search, I’ll never find a perfect place or home; but fortunately, I can’t find it because it’s not here it’s above me. Home is where our hearts should be… only then can we all thrive and be wildly amazing beings. So many times, many of us are unstill, unsatisfied, and antsy or stressed about one thing or another. Worry and stress prevent us humans from living up to our greatest potential and feeling free. It’s not only more convenient but free, to deposit those worries to our Creator and living abundantly. So as cliche as it sounds, worry fixes nothing, takes away your joys, and will never allow you to feel at home with yourself. Just don’t do it, Hun.

Goodnight or morning or whatever(: