There’s something about the ocean that terrifies me. I’m sorry, no… everything about the ocean terrifies me. Don’t get me wrong, it is a beautiful thing created by a Creator who makes no mistakes with what He creates, BUT I couldn’t dislike the deep ocean more than I do, because to me it is disturbing, uncontrollable, and I do not feel neither safe nor alive in the ocean.
Also, I do not know how to swim for longer than half a minute. Not only is this embarrassing to me, it’s also really sad. I would like to learn, yet I’m basically too traumatized to allow the water rise above my sternum or chest in general. One day, I’ll get over this but my point is that the ocean is wild. The ocean carries hurricanes over to my side of the world and yet there’s another reason to not be in love with the ocean.
Within this past month, my home state (Florida) has seen two devastating hurricanes in such a way that has not happened in more than ten years. However, I was cynical up until the storms passed by. I have had a lot on my plate lately and little rest and I could not bear the thought of my family going through a hurricane now when the resources they have to protect themselves from the storm and the income there are not the best. Still, I tried to play it cool as if nothing could scare me about these storms. You see, back in 2004, there were four major hurricanes that affected my state (Charlie, Frances, Ivan, and Jeanne) our roof broke like twice and I refused to accept these two hurricanes that just happened as real hurricanes because that meant they had the potential of destroying my home again. So, I cracked jokes, made fun of the news, and was consistently telling everyone around me and that people back home needed to chill… that the destruction would not come so suddenly. Yet it did. I even cracked jokes about Hurricane Harvey in an effort to hide my fear for the state of Texas, yet there were 71 deaths (another site says 82) and counting…
So, imagine my panic and frustration when now a week and some changed after the hurricane hit my parents’ homes, they still reside with no electricity and are still seeing the aftermath of this catastrophe. I spoke to my sister very few times during this past week and it sucks, she’s my main squeeze. ❤ This storm nearly broke my focus from everything. Even so, I knew God had it all under control. Lately, however, I have had a lot of hostility in my heart. Now that I think about it, I feel that my mood and my bitterness that I had recently wasn’t only bad, it was beyond terrifying. I was slowly turning into a monster that I didn’t recognize within me. My hurt, anger, and frustrations were consuming me from within. I was constantly in a bad mood…therefore technically I wasn’t trusting in God to have my life under control. I was professing Christianity and living like a non-believer.
I wanted to get rid of my bad attitudes and pessimistic moods yet, I didn’t take the measures I needed to take in order to have peace. It wasn’t until I allowed my pride to disappear and I could no longer bear it. Yet, the more I hesitated to let my feelings out, the stormier my life felt. It was not until I expressed the burdens in my heart to a friend did I truly feel my raging seas come to a smooth standstill. I found so much peace after the storm but it’s a strange kind of peace. Just like every time I have almost drowned and just like every time I have gone through heartbreak (with friends or family)… the peace I feel after my controversies are gone is strangely startling. It’s a feeling that reminds me that I never want to go through conflict with friends again or danger with those I love, nor would I like to be anything less than an amazing being again to my homies around me.
I hope you all stay safe and warm in this stormy season.
- NLT John 14:27 (“I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.)
- NLT John 16:33 (“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”)